Realization

I feel like I’m moving closer and closer to clarity and understanding when it comes to a particular friendship. I say friendship… it is both so much more and so much less than that. Was so much more – and is now so much less, than friendship.
Talking recently on the phone, he said he hadn’t [...]

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Argh – Cats!

I’m in the living room with the door closed, and outside spread around the hall are the remains of a massive, dead, ripped up black bird thing that I have to deal with shortly. Argh. Venus has thoughtfully removed the legs, though I’m not quite sure why. And the main… section is a bit.. well, [...]

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You should be in my space

Last night I phoned M.E, one of my oldest friends. We’ve had a roller coaster time in the last year or two, because he fell in love with me last year and then I messed him around and was generally indecisive and feeling-hurting. I thought if he was so convinced we were soulmates, maybe we [...]

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Falling behind with life

I seem to be behind with everything lately, probably because I’m in love. Things not directly related to that tend to get shelved and then never picked up again, and I’m getting rather tired of myself. My friends, flickr, this blog, reading, guitar, job search, boat maintenance (difficult when I’m hardly ever there), giving my [...]

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At least she understands now what it’s like to be afraid to use the underground

So my mum ran into my ex today. Rob. The one who was dating me for about four months until he suddenly stopped talking to me, just like that. And then had the cheek to spout the – obviously well rehearsed – line: “I guess we just drifted apart, huh?” at me when I saw [...]

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Self flagellation

It should be easy to stop mentally beating yourself up, right? It should be the desired course of action. And somewhere inside me there is a little Vicky who is bright and sassy and in control. She can make things happen, make me decide to feel alright, make me stop welling up, make me stop [...]

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Is anyone else’s dream life exploding into a frenzy of violence? No? Must be just me then…

God Almighty, my dreams are getting weird lately. This morning I tried to tell my mum about one of them:
“Hey, last night I dreamed I was in a warehouse with a scary man who looked a little bit like John Travolta. There was a table between us and he was coming towards me, looking angry.”
“Oh?” [...]

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Required

Why are the right decisions always the hardest; and the most painful?
Fuck.
*buries head in hands*
“I can’t do it,” he said. “This is too hard for me.”
“Oh, but you must do it,” said Komatsu. “It is required.”
David Sedaris, The Youth In Asia.

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Retrograde

Something’s wrong with me, I think. I don’t read books any more, at all. I don’t write my thoughts and feelings down in notebooks where I can be really wordy and honest; just update here ever now and again (which is, frankly, merely scraping the surface and that’s all it can ever be). I don’t [...]

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Prime suffering years!

I enjoyed Little Miss Sunshine a lot, and I often remember this quote and smile:
Dwayne: I wish I could just sleep until I was eighteen and skip all this crap-high school and everything-just skip it.
Frank: You know Marcel Proust?
Dwayne: He’s the guy you teach.
Frank: Yeah. French writer. Total loser. Never had a real job. Unrequited [...]

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