I haven’t written here in a long time, but I find myself drawn back to post here every so often, like tonight when I feel sad and lost but don’t understand why.
Or, in some ways I do understand. The other night I was feeling tense but had no idea why, so I started mentally listing the things I was worried about, from the biggest most important ones (I’m worried I’ll fail my current OU course, I’m worried about my eye operation next month) to the pifflingly stupid (I’m worried because I’m not using my new desk enough, I don’t want to because the room is cold but I don’t want to heat it because the electric heater smells horribly of burning dust if you switch it on after not using it for ages. Blah blah. You get the picture. Some really stupid stuff…) Anyway, the list was HUGE. I had no idea there was that much crap in my head, niggling at me unseen.
Now I feel sad, but I can’t work out why. I woke up sad, I think maybe my dreams were heartbreaking but I just can’t remember them. Anyway, I turn to this place again.
You know, I still check my sitemeter sometimes, and it amuses and perplexes me in equal measure that there are still some devoted souls who visit this blog each day – even though I now go months between updating. There’s good old ISP demon.co.uk, who’s been a faithful visitor every weekday morning and some Saturdays for years now. My mind boggles at you, but I kind of love you. Unless you’re a robot. Then, I don’t think I could love a robot. And then there’s the ISP based somewhere in Arizona I think, and the person who is methodically reading the whole of my blog bit by bit – spreading the task out over time. I salute you. It’s mostly a load of melancholy waffle, buy hey – your time is your own, and I’m not going to criticize how you spend it. In some ways I wish I could still write here like I used to. Hell, I wish I could be as open and honest and daft as I used to. It seems that among the million and one things that I don’t have time for now that I’m a mum, is being myself. I can’t seem to find the energy to be myself anymore. Or maybe I would, if I just knew who I was.
You know what? I remember finding your blog one night while I was bored and blog-surfing (something I never did before or since, actually), and spending the better part of four hours reading it from the beginning, growing more and more amused and perplexed myself because reading your words was like looking in a mirror in so many ways. It was incredibly uplifting for me to realize that I wasn’t alone in my experiences (especially finding someone all the way across the pond!),and I found myself applauding your courage and evolving self-image as you poured yourself out onto the page. In the same vein, I understand your dilemma now, and I think you are coming to realize what all those mothers couldn’t explain to you when they said this would change your life! I wouldn’t presume to give you specific advice about a child I’ve never been around, but I will tell you this: the relationship you form with your son now will so quickly become a part of who you are that soon you’ll stop even thinking about it and just accept this redefinition of your self. I don’t think it will take long, either…so hang in there!
I’ve only posted to my blog three or four times since Dylan came in February. *sigh* I think the time crunch is relatively temporary, though (if a few years at most can be considered “temporary” in a day-to-day existence), and eventually your life (and mine) will be more “our own” again. So, in the meantime, I’m sending lots of happy thoughts your way!
Heather
Thanks, Heather
That was a lovely comment to receive. I’m already getting used to having him around, and I think I’m even getting used to thinking of myself as a mother. I guess I just don’t know what else I am besides a mother – it seems to have swallowed my life up.
Thank you for the inspiring words, as always!
I think you’re right and that’s normal, though
Hugs,
Vicky
x
Hi there! I think I must be demon.co.uk. My first thoughts on reading your comments about me was (1) Has it really be years? (2) Gosh, daily visits do sound a little obsessive and (3) A girl ‘kind of loves’ me – won’t my mother be pleased? I can’t remember how I stumbled across your site but I guess checking to see how you’re doing has become part of my routine. Whilst Heather’s given you sterling advice on the motherhood front, let me offer you some fortune cookie wisdom that I read in the paper the other day: ‘worrying is praying for things you don’t want to happen’ which, put that way, seems a little silly. You seem to have a lot going for you, so hang in there!
Rob
Oh AWESOME! You’ve outed yourself, that’s made my day
1) Yes I think it has, at least two years I think. I err, say this because I wondered when I got back with my Polish ex boyfriend whether it was him reading my blog, and I visited my own site once on his laptop, but it showed up a a totally different ISP etc. So I knew it wasn’t him. Anyway, that was at least 2 and a bit years ago now
2) ^ How’s THAT for obsessive? Seriously, I check certain sites all the time, postsecret, mumsnet etc etc, and the odd blog too. I think everyone has their own internet routine. Am I making you feel better yet? haha
3) She’ll be thrilled.
I’ll have to start posting more, won’t I? Seeing as people are actually reading, ahem. Thanks for the advice on worrying; wise words – even if from a potentially foodstuff-based source. I’m a big believer in manifesting the things you spend time thinking about, so you’d think I’d take my own advice, wouldn’t you? Hmmm.
Thanks for saying hi. That really did make me beam
Vicky
x