Lately I feel that I miss the girl I used to be, now that I know for sure that I’ll never go back to being her again. I don’t even necessarily want to be her, just sometimes feel a little wistfulness for myself a year or so ago. I remember being into kitsch stuff and before leaving London acting generally irresponsibly in a harmless way. I’d be moved – deeply – by music and photography and film, and would basically do whatever I wanted. If I felt like going to see a film I would, so long as I could afford it. And I used to just walk, around central London at dusk or by day, getting almost but not quite lost and being okay with it. I felt like a stupid silly butterfly struggling out of its damp bed, and being okay with its tentative incompleteness. It was alright, this discovery. I ate expensive American candy, and nobody sent it to me with love because I just bought it myself at CyberCandy, experimenting with different things that I had no idea whether I’d like. And I wrote in my moleskine and was basically selfish, but in a spectacularly inoffensive way. At least, from what I can tell, looking back 
I don’t think I hurt anyone, but probably didn’t touch anyone either. Somehow, that was okay; I was busy getting to know myself.
Now I’m aware that I can never be that selfish again. I’m going to have a child, and already this little person is depending on me for all its shelter and food and protection, as it nestles inside me. I was thinking today how strange our relationship is at the moment. I mean, we’re about as intimate as two people can physically be, and yet we don’t know each other. We’ve never met. There’s an awkwardness, a kind of unknown quantity that makes things interesting but also strange. I feel him move and I think “Who are you? What do you look like?” and I can’t wait to meet him, I really can’t. But I wonder if he will love me as I feel I’ll love him when I see him. Babies don’t really love their mothers it seems, not at first. They’re just little bundles of delicate need. I already feel this tremendous tenderness and desire to protect him, but I wonder if he knows anything or feels anything yet. Or is he just silent in mouth and in mind, floating on his warm safe sea that is also my warm safe sea, because it’s within me. I wonder how he’ll feel about being created, and hope that he won’t mind. That he’ll see it as a good thing, as both of his parents do. I hope so.
I just found your blog while browsing and I miss those selfish days too. I’ve got three of my own now and you’re right. They don’t care about you when they are born. You have to work for it. I’ve had moments of frustration with that, but when they start smiling it makes all the work worthwhile.
Oh, he knows you already, bet on it! I felt the same way with my little one, especially in the first few weeks. I didn’t even know if the “it” in my belly was a boy or girl until he came into the world, and that first cry just about broke my heart because I knew that, for better or for worse, we had made a new life and he would have to play his part. You say you’re not sure if he knows anything yet but remember, even now he’s sleeping to the sound of your heartbeat and hearing your voice every time you speak. He’ll know you’re his mother from the very first moment, breathe you in like a draught of wine and always look to you as home. And every day you spend with him, every time you speak to him or hold him or cuddle with him, will only serve to reinforce it. I think you’re going to make a spectacular mother, and that little boy is very lucky! I hope everything is going well for you, Vicky!
~Heather
I buy sweets from CyberCandy! Really nicely written Vicky.